epiicer: If you say “old sport” three times in front of your mirror Gatsby will appear and awkwardly hit on your wife
makokitten: fluffy—heretic: shmegel: yes but how old is the sport
bloodbending: demoncolbert: OH MY GOD i went into the bank and asked what day it was and the teller said “march 26th” so i asked “and the year?” and she kinda looked at me for a second before saying “2012”. i threw my hands up in the air and yelled “IT WORKED” before turning to leave. THEN AS I WAS JOGGING OUT OF THE BANK SOME OTHER DUDE CAME UP TO ME LIKE “HOLY CRAP, YOUR MACHINE WORKED...
asphyxion: i went to a high school where they played jeopardy music when you had about 30 seconds to get to class and i shit you not best part of the day was seeing kids sprinting to class with this music playing
age 11: worry about internet people finding me in real life
now: worry about people in real life finding me on the internet
mianaya: grubbsgrady: therealhamster: 2004 was 17 years ago 2004 was only 9 years ago math
khajiduh: if i were famous, i’d go to a red carpet event in a fashionable tan leather dress, and when they asked me who i was wearing, i’d say ‘i don’t know her name, but she had a beautiful complexion, didn’t she?’
sasstiel-sassbutt: arasellle: justheroverthere: I’m the person who knows their Hogwarts house but not their blood type I know mine. it’s pureblood this post just got 209348451 times better okay
cchannette: jwisser: thepasta-nerada: vvrathia: the sexual tension when u and ur crush are online on fb at the same time and u just stare at their lil green dot and suddenly you know what gatsby felt like This is actually the most profound and appropriate literary allusion I’ve encountered so far this week. oh my god
me: omg i can't believe you came to my house im honoured
andrew scott: you kidnapped me and tied me to a chair
me: it's what moriarty would have done
thepensivebrony: “you shouldn’t be depressed, people have it worse than you” finally, after years of searching, the person with the worst life ever is found. formally, they are granted permission to be sad. but only them. only they have earned it. no sads for anyone else at all ever
14th2: aiclan: afrogay: if i die my funerals gonna be the biggest fucken party and you’re all invited if great, the only party ive ever been invited to and he might not even die
hownowbrownseacow: rosiebeck: nxv: primisthebomb: I THREW A GRAPE IN THE AIR TO CATCH IT IN MY MOUTH BUT IT WENT TOO HIGH AND HIT THE CEILING AND THERE WAS A SPIDER THERE AND THE SPIDER FELL AND SO DID THE GRAPE AND THEY BOTH LANDED ON MY FACE AND I STILL HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING i read the first line in my head in the tune of call me maybe im so stupid I threw a grape in the air I...
I NEED TO CALM DOWN.
majorsarcasm19: pudding-for-hiddles: THERE WAS A MAN ON BBC NEWS CALLED DR JOHN HOLMES. DR. JOHN. HOLMES. Well someone’s parents shipped it like Fedex.
joan-watson: i wish there was a non-assholeish way to say “our friendship has run it’s course, you make me uncomfortable with your feelings and a lot of shit you do pisses me off bye”
princemordo: heads up if i ever stop talking to you as much its not you there are a lot of things going on right now and idk what im doing and i often forget the fact that i have friends omfg i still want to be close if i ever message/text/call/ect you a lot pls let me know bc i dont want to make you uncomfortable or bug you be a Pal; dont let me make an asshat out of myself ps its more...